The Book of Judges is brutal. The entire story teaches us how God's people can be just as cruel and broken as anyone else. HBO would be sued off the air if they made a 1:1 entire series on the subject. And it is perhaps both the greatest challenge and stumbling block surrounding works righteousness and theodicy. So the way you read it is crucial. Fortunately for us dads, there are moments recorded between parents and none more tragic than Jephthah and his daughter.
The Story
Jephthah was the bastard of a prominent member of society east of the Jordan River, Gilead. Gilead may not have a massive role in the Biblical account, but he or they (depending on the reading) is always held in reverence by the characters of the Bible. The "real" sons drive him away because they aren't sharing in the inheritance with the bastard. So Jephthah finds a mercenary life in Tob.
Later Israel turns from God, and the Ammonites begin their oppression. And behold, the men of Gilead (the place, see confusing) reach out to a mercenary commander related to them, Jephthah. Jephthah receives command of the forces and sends word to the Ammonite king, telling him to stand down. The king doesn't. When battle arrives, Jephthah makes an oath to God that he will sacrifice whatever first greets him upon safe arrival home. After routing the Ammonites, he returns home. What greets him is not a cow or sheep but his only child, a daughter.
What follows is the most heartbreakingly serene scene of any tragedy ever written. The daughter accepts the burden of the oath, asking for two months to mourn her inability to carry on the family line. She then offers her up to burnt sacrifice with the fullness of her dignity and agency intact. But, unlike Isaac, Jephthah's daughter receives no salvation.
Spanish
In Spanish, two words mean "to know." The first is how we use and think about knowing "saber." "Saber" means to know about or have factual information on something. For example, I "saber" where the grocery store is. The second type of knowing in Spanish is "conocer." "Conocer" is the knowing that comes from familiarity, or perhaps the best word for us right now is intimacy. For example, I "saber" my wife's birthday, but I "conocer" my wife. I know who she is.
Now, why do I bring this up in the context of Jephthah and his family story?
Jephthah and his daughter are emblematic of the type of knowing that is "saber" when it comes to God. They know what God does to those who don't keep their oaths. They know God as a harsh, law-keeping, finger-wagging, wrathful, and vengeful God. But they don't know God from the "conocer" perspective. Thus they miss what God is truly after. It isn't a sacrifice, law-keeping, or even ritual purity. God wants to know and be known by us.
If Jephthah and his daughter knew God intimately, they wouldn't have given themselves over to the sacrifice. They would've understood the heart of God. But they, and all of Israel, did not.
So what does that mean for us as dads?
Do you know (conocer) your children? Do they "conocer" you? As fathers, we come off harsh, unyielding, and wrathful. Do your children know why? Do you know your children well enough not to come off this way?
We sacrifice our children and ourselves when we do not invest in this relationship. Of course, we know about our children. But is that enough? Maybe when they are little. But what about the teenager who craves to be seen and heard by their parent? Are we willing to be vulnerable and intimate with our children so they can be vulnerable and intimate with us? My experience personally and in the literature has been that our children are desperate for our vulnerability, especially as fathers. It gives them a foundation in the world. Vulnerability is counterintuitive to me, but it has been born out time and again.
Vulnerability
Watch this Disney short with your kids if you don't believe me. Ask them at the end, is the Raccoon and Mommy or Daddy? Everyone in my house got Daddy the first time. Pro-tip they don't specify the gender of the raccoon. Reflect on the short movie and look at the outcomes of vulnerability. Of course, it requires the children's work to "conocer" their parents. I am pretty terrible at it on my own.
But I hope that I do better and teach my children better than I am. Because I will not sacrifice my children on the altar of things I know. I will get them familiar with the things I believe. Hopefully, they will become familiar and even intimate with those things. Maybe, just maybe, my children will see my vulnerability not as some weak spot in the ground but as a place to find purchase for a faith of their own.
P.S. check out the podcast version of this article. It's the long-form version that exists in the subscription section.